Thursday, February 22, 2007
So, chinese new year is over a blink. i cant say whether im sad to see it go, since i've never really liked the festival, except for the holidays and the angpaos. many ppl always cant figure out why i dislike cny so much, ok so i shall tell u all the reason, because instead of family bonding, get-together yadayada time that most ppl enjoy during cny, i usually feel the most left out and lonely.
firstly because, at my maternal side family im the second oldest after my brother. my cousins range from 4 to 14 years old, all guys except for a girl 11 years old who likes to play wif the guys anyway. they talk and play things ranging from pokemon kraks ( whatever that is), kicking oranges as makeshift footballs to DOTA, all of which i cannot comprehend. and usually when i try to play wif my guy cousins, they dont like it anyway cuz they are in the stage of "she's- a-girl-she-cant-play-this-cuz-she's-too-scared" phase which i hate. discrimination much? they like to play wif my brother, kor-kor-daniel cuz he's the military guy, which i gotta admit, must appear quite cool to boys their age. like GI-Joes. uh huh, so tats why i dont play wif my cousins much. if they play wif me, i play wif them, if not most of the time im sitting ard watching tv or reading the papers and listening to adult gossip.
and then to the adults, im obviously not 40+ years old and i dont want to sit around my aunties chitchatting abt the latest grocery shopping. and every year without fail someone will ask me "how old are you" or "whats your name, i can onli rmb your brother's name sorry". to cut a long story short, most of my relatives are onli interested in my brother, which frankly speaking, kind of hurts. kor seems to dislike ppl asking abt him all the time, and i do know tats very frustrating, cuz he cant go out n meet up with his frens because some relative wants to see him. but i feel the other kind of frustration.i cld have been dancing on the dining table and no one wld have noticed. i tink one of the reasons why i pia so hard for O levels was because i wanted to prove myself, show tat i can achieve something out of the ordinary, something that will at least make them look at me and say wow for a change. but ive realised it doesnt make much of a difference anyway, cuz im forever living in my brother's shadow. i dont tink im jealous actually, cuz truthfully im proud of my brother and glad he's a strong and popular guy. i mean, i wont want to have a very nua guy for a brother rite? its jus tat sometimes i wish i cld have his charisma and ability to socialise.
on the other hand, at my paternal side, im the second youngest, with most of my cousins graduated, working, or married with kids (mostly toddler age). ironically, i find it easier to communicate with them even though we very seldom meet up. perhaps its because the topics are more realistic? at least they talk abt things like career options and not bazookas and fantasy monsters. n there aren't any distant random relatives that pop out frm nowhere to ask me whats my name and walk away before i finish replying. but again, age gap makes it quite hard to really click, ao again i end up watching tv or staring into space.
to put it simply, im stuck between the 2 sides, at my maternal side, i feel like an older person stuck in a little girl's body, cuz its just not my style to yell and shout wif the boys and play dirty games, and on my paternal side, im too young to be their soulmates too cuz i dont noe nuts abt motherhood or army or watever.
so, tat is why i dont like cny, not to mention the fact tat cny means spring-cleaning and hanging up curtains which always always lead to quarrels in my family as well. if its me i'll say screw the curtains lets jus forget abt cny la. ever since dont noe when, cny has becme more of an emotional obstacle for me rather than a joyous occasion because it jus means i have to go n get ignored again, and i hate this feeling of semi-non-existance (if theres such a word) within my extended family. n its not onli cny, its every other familty eventi tried to pretend its doesnt bother me, but grrs i cant deny it when its staring at me in the face. haix watever, im beginning to tink i shld jus not turn up for family events anymore. so, good riddance to cny, hah!
alone wif the stars above @ 9:31 AMfirstly because, at my maternal side family im the second oldest after my brother. my cousins range from 4 to 14 years old, all guys except for a girl 11 years old who likes to play wif the guys anyway. they talk and play things ranging from pokemon kraks ( whatever that is), kicking oranges as makeshift footballs to DOTA, all of which i cannot comprehend. and usually when i try to play wif my guy cousins, they dont like it anyway cuz they are in the stage of "she's- a-girl-she-cant-play-this-cuz-she's-too-scared" phase which i hate. discrimination much? they like to play wif my brother, kor-kor-daniel cuz he's the military guy, which i gotta admit, must appear quite cool to boys their age. like GI-Joes. uh huh, so tats why i dont play wif my cousins much. if they play wif me, i play wif them, if not most of the time im sitting ard watching tv or reading the papers and listening to adult gossip.
and then to the adults, im obviously not 40+ years old and i dont want to sit around my aunties chitchatting abt the latest grocery shopping. and every year without fail someone will ask me "how old are you" or "whats your name, i can onli rmb your brother's name sorry". to cut a long story short, most of my relatives are onli interested in my brother, which frankly speaking, kind of hurts. kor seems to dislike ppl asking abt him all the time, and i do know tats very frustrating, cuz he cant go out n meet up with his frens because some relative wants to see him. but i feel the other kind of frustration.i cld have been dancing on the dining table and no one wld have noticed. i tink one of the reasons why i pia so hard for O levels was because i wanted to prove myself, show tat i can achieve something out of the ordinary, something that will at least make them look at me and say wow for a change. but ive realised it doesnt make much of a difference anyway, cuz im forever living in my brother's shadow. i dont tink im jealous actually, cuz truthfully im proud of my brother and glad he's a strong and popular guy. i mean, i wont want to have a very nua guy for a brother rite? its jus tat sometimes i wish i cld have his charisma and ability to socialise.
on the other hand, at my paternal side, im the second youngest, with most of my cousins graduated, working, or married with kids (mostly toddler age). ironically, i find it easier to communicate with them even though we very seldom meet up. perhaps its because the topics are more realistic? at least they talk abt things like career options and not bazookas and fantasy monsters. n there aren't any distant random relatives that pop out frm nowhere to ask me whats my name and walk away before i finish replying. but again, age gap makes it quite hard to really click, ao again i end up watching tv or staring into space.
to put it simply, im stuck between the 2 sides, at my maternal side, i feel like an older person stuck in a little girl's body, cuz its just not my style to yell and shout wif the boys and play dirty games, and on my paternal side, im too young to be their soulmates too cuz i dont noe nuts abt motherhood or army or watever.
so, tat is why i dont like cny, not to mention the fact tat cny means spring-cleaning and hanging up curtains which always always lead to quarrels in my family as well. if its me i'll say screw the curtains lets jus forget abt cny la. ever since dont noe when, cny has becme more of an emotional obstacle for me rather than a joyous occasion because it jus means i have to go n get ignored again, and i hate this feeling of semi-non-existance (if theres such a word) within my extended family. n its not onli cny, its every other familty eventi tried to pretend its doesnt bother me, but grrs i cant deny it when its staring at me in the face. haix watever, im beginning to tink i shld jus not turn up for family events anymore. so, good riddance to cny, hah!